Seemingly Unnoticed-PruCan

SongFic: "We All Fall Down" Aerosmith


An assortment of blue jeans, slacks, tee shirts, collared shirts and hoodies spilled out of the upturned laundry basket onto the floor of the closet.  Matthew managed to smile briefly at his handiwork, before frowning and ripping the tie from around his neck.  Throwing it angrily into the mix, he begun to take off the suit jacket so that it could join as well.  Usually, Matthew preferred order and neatness but he didn’t care today, that’s why he had kick the basket over in the first place.  What did it matter anyway?  It’s not like someone is going to notice, they never notice anything having to do with him.  The others had always been that way and probably always would be, he thought angrily walking out into the main room to get a change of clothes.  

When your heart is breaking
When your faith has been shaken
When the road your takin’
Takes you nowhere at all

Another day wasted at the conference center, there were a lot of other important things Matthew could be doing instead of being ignored.  It never failed, always the same stupid routine.  He would be acknowledge on the way in by his family, nodded at curtly by the others and after that, it all went downhill.  The other nations would be riled into fighting with each other, wasting everyone’s time really, and when his turn finally came to speak as Canada they would pretend they couldn’t see or hear him.  Matthew gritted his teeth as he pulled on a pair of jeans and a hoodie.  Stupid hosers, he would never get anywhere with them he thought, ignoring the fact that his breathing was getting faster.  

Matthew stared at himself in the mirror when he finished dressing.  He let out a small sigh, the stress was beginning to take its toll.  His blond hair that was always slightly unkempt anyway was just a mess.   While normally he had just a bit of a tan, his skin was now ghostly pale.  The dark circles under his eyes gave away his insomnia, even his eyes themselves looked duller.  He grit his teeth and clenched his fist as his chest got tighter.  

Suddenly, a spasm of pain across his whole body nearly brought him to his knees.  Matthew struggled to stay on his feet as he wrapped his arms around his own waist.  Maybe he wasn’t strong enough for this anymore.

When it all
Seems to all go wrong
Remember nobody can always be strong
We all fall down

A numbness, an interestingly strange numbness spread across his body.  It turned his limbs to jelly and he was sure he was about to collapse.  Matthew’s breathing got faster, more of a panting now.  He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, could feel his blood pressure rising.  This wasn’t good, not at all he coughed.  Matthew knew exactly what it was,  having suffered from them all his life.

A panic attack.

He had to make it to the bed before he did actually collapse.  It was better to ride it out on a mattress rather than a hard floor.  

Shakily, he straighten up as best he could and slowly began to make his way to the bed.  Each step taking more and more effort.  He grunted in frustration, this is what you get for getting so angry and stressed out he thought.   Gilbert was always warning him about not doing that to himself bu he didn’t listen.  He coughed and took a short intake of breath, hopefully Gilbert was still out enjoying his day.  Matthew didn’t need him  to see this.

Falling against one of the bed posts, he gripped it hard leaning fully on it for support.  Almost there, he could make it and just try to relax.  Wearily, he noticed Kuma had taken up residence in the middle of the bed.  Without any hesitation, Matthew pushed him off roughly and finally collapsed onto the red comforter.  A small thump and just a smaller growl was what he heard as he laid there trying to be still.  Just for a brief moment he felt bad for being so mean but quickly got angry again as he saw Kuma wander out of the room.  Matthew scoffed, he didn’t even want to stay with him when he was in trouble.  

Stupid polar bear, Matthew thought removing his glasses rolling over to lie on his side on the edge of the bed.

I will catch you
Never let you go
I won’t let you
Go through it alone
So don’t feel left out
We all fall down
We all fall down

Matthew tried very desperately to slow his breathing down.  The breaths were going in faster the he could manage.  Hell, he might as well stop breathing, it was about the same thing at this point.  His chest was way too tight, it wasn’t contracting right and it hurt.

It seemed like every single muscle he had was seizing.  Matthew curled up into a ball, gripping the blanket tighter and tighter.  The pain might have been at least tolerable, if it was constant.  His muscles were relaxing somewhat and then suddenly tighten up again, bringing new waves of pain to him.  

Matthew tried again for a deep breath failing to do so.  Maybe, he thought, painfully he was too broken to fix this time.  

When your dreams are shattered
When you feel broken and battered
When every step on the ladder
Takes you nowhere but down
And you lose ground
And you can’t hold on

Somewhere along the way, Matthew lost track of time.  He wasn’t sure if it had been a few minutes or several hours he laid there shaking and panting.  What he was sure of was that he didn’t think he could hold on much longer.  As he laid there staring at the wall, he began to think about how useless and weak he really was.  Losing his cool and doing this to himself over something so trival.  Matthew lifted his hand and weakly slammed it back down, making a small indent crater in the sheet.  What would happen if he just laid there forever?  Just let go of everything and slipped away.  Would he be missed at all, by anyone?

A sudden door slam down stairs caused his muscles to jump and he curled up even tighter.   Gilbert must have gotten home, he faintly heard keys being dropped in the glass bowl by the door and his loud laughter.  The voice faded as he no doubt headed for the kitchen. Matthew gave a small laugh, either he was after a beer or a snack.  After a coughing fit was paid in price for the laughter he frowned, Gil didn’t come straight for him.  Why would he, he tried to reason to himself, he had no way of knowing what was happening.

As suddenly as the door had slammed, Matthew heard a small yell and then the sound of hurried footsteps up the stairs.  They were running, he thought, a frantic panicked run.  Matthew rolled over to face the door.

‘No, Gil please.’ He thought.  As much as he did want to have Gil as his side, he didn’t want him to see in this weaken state again.

Remember nobody can always be strong
We all fall down

In the loudest way possible, Gilbert burst into the bedroom.  The noise making Matthew’s muscles seize more than they had yet.  He barely had time to register that Gil was carrying Kuma with him on his shoulders before he started to fall out of the bed.  He couldn’t stop himself, let alone brace for impact.  This was going to be painful, he thought.  

Impact with the hard floor never came, instead he felt two strong arms wrap around him and pull him back to the center of the bed.

I will catch you
Never let you go
I won’t let you

Matthew opened one eye and saw Gil hovering over him, his red eyes laced with concern.  He started firing off questions, like how long had he been like this? Why didn’t he call? What happened?  Matthew ignored him and struggled to speak.

“I-I need you t-to, to g-go…” Matthew wheezed. Every word was hard, his jaw clenched together so tightly.  

Not surprisingly, Gil just shook his head and moved against the headboard so that Matthew was lying with his back against Gilbert.  The man wrapped his arms around Matthew again, in an embrace.

Go through it alone
So don’t feel left out
We all fall

Slowly, Gilbert started rubbing his chest with one hand while the other moved through his hair gently.  Small circles here and there, trying to get his muscle to relax and allow Matthew to breath.  The hand in his hair felt good and Gil was managing to only disturb his curl slightly.  When only touched a little, it could have a very calming effect.  Mathew felt his muscles begin to ease up but he was still fighting for air.  His other muscles were not relenting and he could feel himself twitch against Gilbert.

As nice as it was, he still wanted Gil to leave.  This was embarrassing and he had had enough of those moments to last a lifetime. Matthew opened his mouth to speak but Gil placed both hands on the side of his face.  Matthew looked up, even on a good day looking at the man upside down was disorienting.  He quickly shut his eyes and he heard Gil laugh.  
“Ksesese, nice try. I’m staying und you can’t stop zhe awesome me. Now listen up.”  He whispered.  Matthew sighed, might as well hear what he had to say.

I will lift you high above the rain
I’ll be with you
We all feel the pain
So don’t feel left out
We all fall down
We all fall down

“Birdie, it’s going to be ok! You’ll have your awesome moment soon. You shouldn’t try so hard, it does unawesome things to you that your Awesomeness does not like.” He said.  

Gilbert went on like that for a while.  Talking about how everyone had moments of doubts, everyone crashes at one point in their lives.  Matthew listened as he brought up his own time of need.  When he was declared to no longer a nation.  Matthew grew angry, he was being a damn hypocrite!  The Canadian remembered very well, the Prussian had been inconsolable staying locked up in his house for hours.  He hadn’t wanted anything to do with anyone. Matthew was still a nation, that wasn’t the issue.

Matthew found himself getting angrier and shaking harder.

Everyone breaks
We all get hurt sometimes
In this life
Fly so high
Crash and burn sometimes
And I want you to know
You are not alone
We all fall down

He let Gil go on for a bit longer, trying to stay calm and trying to get his physical issues under control.  Finally Gilbert ended his speech.
“I’m telling you, eventually they will see you.  You’ll stand out awesomely!” he exclaimed.  Matthew couldn’t stand it any longer.  Taking a deep breath, he lashed out.

“I’ve never stood out and I never will! Gil, no one will ever listen to me and you know it! I’ll never stand out for anyone! I’ll always fade away!” Matthew yelled and then started coughing rapidly. Gilbert sighed and leaned down to his ear.

We all fall down…

“Nien, that’s not true. You stood out enough for zhe awesome Prussia to notice and fall in love with you.” He whispered placing a small kiss on his cheek.  Matthew felt his anger lift away in an instant.

I will catch you
Never let you go
I won’t let you
Go through it alone
So don’t feel left out
We all fall

Slowly the shaking began to stop and his breathing returned to normal.  Matthew begun to regain control of his limbs, at least feeling was starting to return and he could wiggle his fingers freely.  

Gil was right, he had done that much and he was thankful for that every day.  Why this loud, sometimes self-absorbed but wonderful man had fallen in love with him he didn’t know but it was the best thing that had happened to Matthew.  Gilbert had always been there no matter what.

Matthew turned so that he could nuzzle into Gilbert's neck, taking in his warm skin against his cold clammy skin.  He gave him a hug and then leaned up to place a small kiss on his lips.  He felt Gil smile and pressed back against him, just biting his lip slightly.  After a few moments, Matthew pulled away and laid his head against Gilbert’s chest.  Hearing his heart beat in a steady rhythm, it made him smile.

“Thank you Bear.” He whispered, gripping Gilbert’s hoodie tight not wanting to let go of him, ever.  Gilbert’s chest rose up and down with light laughter.
“We all fall down Birdie, and I will catch you every time.” He said, kissing Matthew gently on the forehead.